Telemarketers – Loath them or … well … loath them.

by Russell on February 18, 2012

Personally, I HATE them with a passion that borders on pathological.


You know the calls. Usually as you’re getting ready for dinner.


        “Good evening, Mr.Smith. Have you had a great day?”
 (Aha, the first small YES. It’s a sales tactic. Any sales man, be it car, insurance, electronics, all of them, knows from his/her training that you walk the mug target customer through a series of small Yes’, setting them up for that big YES, the sale)
        “It’s been a super, mind-bendingly, splendiferous day. I’m laying here in bed with the Thompson triplets. It doesn’t get any better.”
        “That’s great to hear, John.” 
F**k off.  The hairs on the back of my neck are sticking out like porcupine quills by now. I’m not one of your long lost friends, don’t talk to me like one.

These people, no matter how pleasant some of them sound, are NOT listening to you, unless they hear the word YES. All other replies are ignored.

 Like the lovely sounding lady a few nights ago.

 Preamble completed, small yes’ educed from sucker potential donor. Move onto next line of script.
        “BC <some sort of charity> services … blah, blah.”
        “I’m not in a position to be able to assist you at this time.” Rude donor talks over caller, using his own scripted reply to these people.
        “Oh. Okay. May I say one thing before I go.”
        Sigh. It better be ‘have a happy valentines day’.
“BC <some sort of charity> services supports … blah, blah.”
What part of I’m not giving you any money didn’t you understand. 

The next call started big and worked backwards. I’m not racial stereotyping here, just trying to give a hint where the call came from. Honestly.
        “I see you already have <brandname> services. Well, John, grrrrr, you qualify for a deal of our TV by phone line bundle, blah, blah.”
        “Don’t have a TV.”
        Incredulous, patronizing retort. How is this being possible. No TV? Nothing? Anywhere? Really?
        F**ck off. I said no TV.
        Marketer drops down a gear.
        “As a three month customer you have been qualifying for our latest bundle of phone features, blah, blah, blah. It would be most good of you to buy this pustulating sore special offer and give us more of your hard earned money for services you’ll probably never use.”
        “Wouldn’t use them. Don’t have caller display type phone.”
        Incredulous, patronizing retort. Are you some sort of technology moron, sir? “You don’t have caller display. How do you tell who’s calling you?”
        “I don’t care. I take the call, and if I don’t want to talk to the caller, I hang up.”
       Aha. He got that hint loud and clear.
       “Have a good ev….”



{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Forest Gloomwood June 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

Is ‘lothe’ a New Zealand spelling for “loathe”?

You might try a little trick with telemarketers with which I have had some success, not to mention, fun. It’s generally easy to tell when I am about to get a sales pitch and I answer their first question with, “I’m sorry, I’m in the middle of lovemaking/foreplay/f**king. I only answered the phone because I thought it was my husband/wife calling.”


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